Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool. 
Robin: Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it! 
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. 
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. 
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out. 
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead. 
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death. 
Alone: In bad company. 
If ever you should need my life, come and take it. 
Razors pain you. Rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live. 
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car. 
If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs. 
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. 
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 
I love cats ...they taste like chicken. 
Out of my mind, ...be back in five minutes. 
If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. 
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. 
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. 
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. 
Be alert - the world needs more lerts. 
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. 
You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead. 
If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten. 
-e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm." 
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country. 
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... 
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 
Worms
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
Life is hard compared to what? 
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? 
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? 
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 
Is there another word for synonym? 
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
Why do they report power outages on TV? 
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? 
Is it possible to be totally partial? 
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? 
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
What's another word for "thesaurus"? 
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? 
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? 
If stupidity can get you into a mess, then why can't it get you out? 
If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy? 
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? 
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? 
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean? 
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? 
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? 
Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? 
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? 
Was today really necessary? 
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? 
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? 
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be? 
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. 
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 
"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." --Lucille Ball 
Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. 
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege. 
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them. 
Pride of nationality depends not on ignorance of other nations, but on ignorance of one's own. 
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 
Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. 
Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin 
Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. 
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. 
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming. 
No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be ran away from. 
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. 
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous. 
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands. 
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks. 
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. 
When all is said and done, much more is said than done. 
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. 
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. 
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
No Jesus, no peace; know Jesus know peace. 
National Atheism Day: April 1st 
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. 
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. 
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. 
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 
Never judge a book by it's movie. 
If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. 
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. 
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. 
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 
Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it. 
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord. 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead. 
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain. 
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. 
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too. 
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten. 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 
Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were men on base. 
Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends." 
On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. 
It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It is like going to an auto mechanic who has never even owned his own car. 
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. 
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 
I want a guy that's sensitive and caring, and that loves cats. Unfortunately, most guys like that are gay. 
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. 
Whenever two men meet there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man was the other sees him, and each man as he really is. 
To attract a man, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' 
Women like quiet men because they think they are listening. 
On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. 
The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. 
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. 
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off! 
Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up. 
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. 
Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands. 
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie. 
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. 
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." -- they leave skid marks. This works whether a man or woman says it. 
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Man, I miss him! 
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 
There are easier things in life than finding a good man.... nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance." 
Mankind is stupid. If you forget, they will remind you. 
Men are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. 
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (A life sentence!) 
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached. 
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. 
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. 
Marriage is a thing, which puts a ring on a woman's finger...and two under the man's eyes. 
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. 
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit. 
Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever. 
Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS": a) The Engagement Ring b) The Wedding Ring c) The SuffeRing d) The EnduRing e) The TortuRing 
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late. 
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then they marry him. 
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. 
Courtship - A man pursuing a woman until she catches him 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. 
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. 
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. 
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. 
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. 
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. 
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way. 
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... 
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. 
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. 
Don't marry a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. 
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. 
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. 
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "OUT TO LUNCH - THINK IT OVER." 
DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage. 
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the husband listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 
I think, therefore I am single. 
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. 
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die… 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 
Life is the only thing you can't get out of alive. 
May your life be like toilet paper... Long and useful. 
Someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?" 
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 
Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life! 
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway. 
Today is the last day of some of your life. 
Death is a once in a lifetime experience. 
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world. 
What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. 
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. 
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.' 
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 
Life is wasted on the living. 
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. 
There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval. 
Life is a razor, you are always in hot water or a scrape. 
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. 
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. 
Life is what happens while you are making other plans. 
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it's true. 
In the long run we are all dead. 
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. 
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal. 
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. 
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you. 
If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right! 
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. 
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. --Vice President Dan Quayle 
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. -- Bill Cosby 
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. -- Jean Giraudoux 
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a stinkin' fool about it. 
If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
What a nice night for an evening. 
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. 
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. 
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. 
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. 
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. 
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. 
Prejudiced people are all alike. 
Those who judge others will burn in Hell! 
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be. 
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. 
There's no such thing as nonexistence. 
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. 
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. 
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. 
Avoid cliches like the plague. 
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 
I always try to do things in chronological order. 
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 
Death to all fanatics! 
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 
Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full. 
It's deja vu all over again. 
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! 
I always wanted to be a procrastinator! 
Rehab is for quitters! 
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. 
Some people type so fast that forget to include 
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. 
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 
Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 
Entropy just isn't what it used to be. 
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. 
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. 
Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous. 
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard. 
I disagree with unanimity. 
I have my doubts about disbelief. 
Avoid Alliteration. Always. 
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. 
I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it. 
Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway. 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies. 
Friends don't let friends drive naked. 
Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front. 
Sometimes people need what only friends can provide -- Absence. 
Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are. 
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 
Did you know? » The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. 
Did you know? » The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. 
Did you know? » A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. 
Did you know? » A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. 
Did you know? » The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar an England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. 
Did you know? » A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. 
Did you know? » Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. 
Did you know? » Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. 
Did you know? » Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 
Did you know? » More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. 
Did you know? » Stewardesses is one of the longest words typed with only the left hand. 
Did you know? » Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." 
Did you know? » Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 
Did you know? » If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. 
Did you know? » Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 
Did you know? » Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. 
Did you know? » The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the english language. 
Did you know? » No president of the United States was an only child. 
Did you know? » The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. 
Did you know? » TYPEWRITER, is one of the longest words that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard. 
Did you know? » If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction 
Did you know? » The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. 
Did you know? » A snail can sleep for 3 years. 
Did you know? » American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. 
Did you know? » China has more English speakers than the United States. 
Did you know? » The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. 
Did you know? » Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres. 
Did you know? » The longest town name in the world has 167 letters. 
Did you know? » Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world. 
Did you know? » "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 
Did you know? » The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. 
Did you know? » The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. 
Did you know? » Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. 
Did you know? » Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears. never stop growing. 
Did you know? » David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. 
Did you know? » Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. 
Did you know? » In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. 
Did you know? » If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. 
Did you know? » Feb 1865 and Feb 1999 are the only months in recorded history not to have a full moon. 
Did you know? » Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's. 
Did you know? » The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. 
Did you know? » No word in the English language rhymes with month. 
Did you know? » The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 
Did you know? » There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. 
Did you know? » Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. 
Did you know? » Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. 
Did you know? » Cat's urine glows under a black light. 
Did you know? » Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. 
Did you know? » The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. 
Did you know? » Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. 
Did you know? » It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. 
Did you know? » The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 
Did you know? » Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. 
Did you know? » The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. 
Did you know? » Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. 
Did you know? » If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. 
Did you know? » The most common name in the world is Mohammed. 
Did you know? » Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 
Did you know? » Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. 
Did you know? » The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". 
Did you know? » In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured 
Did you know? » Frank Lloyd Wright's son invented Lincoln Logs. 
Did you know? » One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. 
Did you know? » The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. 
Deep Thought:  I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. 
Deep Thought:  If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. 
Deep Thought:  If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. 
Deep Thought:  Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. 
Deep Thought:  I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. 
Deep Thought:  It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire. 
Deep Thought:  If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. 
Deep Thought:  The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? 
Deep Thought:  If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something. 
Deep Thought:  A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say, "That's dynamite, baby." 
Deep Thought:  If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice. 
Deep Thought:  Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? 
Deep Thought:  If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" 
Deep Thought:  A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. 
Deep Thought:  If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. 
Deep Thought:  If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 
Deep Thought:  Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. 
Deep Thought:  I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. 
Deep Thought:  The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. 
Deep Thought:  If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." 
Deep Thought:  One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. 
Deep Thought:  If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. 
Deep Thought:  Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. 
Deep Thought:  If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 
Deep Thought:  Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 
Deep Thought:  If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. 
Deep Thought:  If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song. 
Deep Thought:  Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, "Hey, how's it going?" So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now who's asking the questions?" 
Deep Thought:  Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. 
Deep Thought:  If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk. 
Deep Thought:  I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks. 
Deep Thought:  If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. 
Deep Thought:  Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. 
Deep Thought:  Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. 
Deep Thought:  When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. 
Deep Thought:  Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. 
Deep Thought:  Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 
Deep Thought:  Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. 
Deep Thought:  To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 
Deep Thought:  Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Deep Thought:  Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Deep Thought:  It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. 
Deep Thought:  I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" 
Deep Thought:  The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 
Deep Thought:  Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. 
Deep Thought:  I'd rather be rich than stupid. 
Deep Thought:  If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. 
Deep Thought:  When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. 
Deep Thought:  To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 
Deep Thought:  What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. 
Deep Thought:  We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. 
Deep Thought:  Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 
Deep Thought:  I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. 
Deep Thought:  To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. 
Deep Thought:  Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. 
Deep Thought:  If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason. 
Deep Thought:  Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. 
Deep Thought:  You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. 
Deep Thought:  Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. 
Deep Thought:  If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. 
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. 
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. 
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it." 
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time." 
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. 
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. 
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. 
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read." 
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." 
"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." --Lucille Ball 
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car. 
If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs. 
No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!! 
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. 
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 
I love cats ...they taste like chicken. 
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them... 
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. -- Jack Handey 
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -- Douglas Adams 
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.' -- Larry Brown 
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush, US President 
"Please provide the date of your death." -from an IRS letter 
"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -Parish Magazine 
"One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'" -Student Bloopers 
Sure, the pesticide chlordane is going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. 
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 
I am in shape. Round is a shape. 
The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown 
My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. 
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin 
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. 
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. 
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx 
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. 
I filled out an application that said, "In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? 
Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City: Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now. 
I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." 
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out. 
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. 
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. 
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" 
Computer Joke:  640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates '81 
Computer Joke:  Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. 
Computer Joke:  Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. 
Computer Joke:  As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 
Computer Joke:  Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 
Computer Joke:  Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 
Computer Joke:  There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -- President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 
Computer Joke:  Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. 
Computer Joke:  No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message. 
Computer Joke:  THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down. 
Computer Joke:  To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer. 
Computer Joke:  Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 
Computer Joke:  But what ... is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. 
Computer Joke:  With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error. 
Answering machine:  My wife & I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name & number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Answering machine:  A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Answering machine:  Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Answering machine:  Hi. Now you say something.
Answering machine:  Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Answering machine:  Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
Answering machine:  (From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!
Answering machine:  Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Answering machine:  Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Answering machine:  This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Answering machine:  Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Answering machine:  Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Answering machine:  If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Answering machine:  Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Answering machine:  Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up& down, and I like doing it left to right .......real slow..........So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get Back to you.
Did you know?--If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Did you know?--If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Did you know?--The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.
Did you know?--Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Did you know?--Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Did you know?--On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Did you know?--The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
Did you know?--It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Did you know?--You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Did you know?--Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Did you know?--Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know?--Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Did you know?--Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Did you know?--In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
Did you know?--A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Did you know?--A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Did you know?--The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Did you know?--Polar bears are left handed.
Did you know?--The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
Did you know?--The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
Did you know?--A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
Did you know?--The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Not always a bad thing!)
Did you know?--Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Did you know?--Butterflies taste with their feet.
Did you know?--Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
Did you know?--A cat's urine glows under a black light.
Did you know?--An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Did you know?--Starfish haven't got brains.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat like a bunny rabbit.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality?  That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I souport publik edukashen.
We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile.  You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.
I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
It's better that have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.